Why do therapists always ask, “How does that make you feel?”
Most people know the notorious phrase, “how does that make you feel?” Cue eye roll…right?! This is one of the most common phrases people identify with psychotherapy. So, if it’s so notorious and triggers eye rolls, why do therapists use it all the time? Let’s take a deeper look into this…
Feelings are a fundamental aspect of mental and physical well-being. Most people know this and yet, only about 36% of the population can accurately identify their emotions (Johnson, n.d.). On an average day, people can experience a myriad of emotions and only about 36% of us can clearly identify them. Identifying our own emotions is so important because our brains have a natural ability to problem-solve. Our brains are wired to keep us alive as well as to continue to adapt to our surroundings. One way this occurs is through our brain’s natural ability to activate its problem-solving mode. However, what happens when your brain isn’t able to successfully identify the problem? It can’t activate its problem-solving skills.
Emotions are messages our brains and bodies receive. The messages are there to tell us something. If we are unable to identify our emotions, can we identify the message within them? For example, if Vickie ate my sandwich at work even though my name was written on it, of course, I might become annoyed and frustrated. These emotions are telling me, “I don’t like what happened. I don’t want this to happen again. How can I prevent this from happening again?” When I’m able to identify that I’m feeling annoyed and frustrated, it sends a message to the rest of my brain to activate the problem-solving skills. From here, I might start scheming up ways to make this right (tell Vickie it bothers me and get an apology) and ways to prevent it from happening again (maybe next time I can bring an insulated lunch box to keep at my desk).
Without identifying emotions, our brains struggle to problem-solve. This is the reason behind therapists asking, “How does that make you feel?” We simply want to elicit your brain’s natural ability to problem-solve. Most people are able to identify some emotions with ease; like excitement, sadness, and anger. However, there are usually more feelings involved that are waiting to be identified. For example, if Sally is only able to identify her anger, she may inadvertently overlook the more complex emotions underneath. Underneath Sally’s anger may be indignance, powerlessness, and jealousy. By identifying those emotions, Sally’s brain is able to activate its problem-solving mode and come up with ways to soothe itself as well as find ways to make things right.
All in all, the ability to identify emotions is crucial to our well-being because it allows our brains to problem-solve. This is why most therapists want to know how you’re feeling; so they can help activate your brain's response.
Are you able to identify your emotions? What helps you identify your emotions, especially when they’re more complex like Sally’s? If you struggle to identify emotions, I recommend using a pillow with the emotion wheel on it so you can grab it to help you practice identifying your feelings. Best of luck and all the well wishes on your healing journey!
-Cammie
